The following is a list of things I secretly wish would happen in the near future or that were true. Oh, and it’s titled part one because you can expect there to be more to come.
Will Smith Plays a Bad Guy
We’ve seen Will Smith play assholes before but these characters always seem to turn around and become the heroes everybody wants them to be.
What I want to see is Will Smith playing the villain in a movie. Just to know if he can because frankly, I think he’s a talented actor and he would probably make it into a very entertaining character. Also, we would hopefully get some more of this.
Every TV Network Executive Realizes the Damage They Have Done with Reality Television
“If it fits in my mouth, it’s probably too small?” Is that a thing that a real person would say? Are those words that a sapient human female would actually think with their brain then form with their mouth if they weren’t reading off a script and hating every moment of it? Are these people so dead inside that they want to subject onto the rest of the world their pain by filming their inexplicable existence? Or maybe they are all escaped mental convicts. I’m sorry, I just need to find some reason why society let it get this bad.
I mean, I know I don’t have to watch it, but the fact that it’s out there and people do is just… goddammit.
And I wish that everyone who has ever been responsible for putting Jersey Shore or one of its brethren on the air thus lowering the collective intelligence of society as a whole loses one brain cell for every brain cell they apathetically murdered.
Alternatively, we can force them to watch every minute of reality television ever broadcast, Jack-Nicholson-Style.
Everybody to Just Shut up for Five Goddamn Minutes
Myself included. As a society we talk too much. That normally would not be a problem if our conversations were actually conversations as opposed to people waiting deafly for their chance to voice their own uninformed opinion; or if our debates were more than shouting matches. But unfortunately, people (myself included) suck. We talk about bullshit that has almost no impact on anything. We talk about this nothing to pass the time, or we gossip, or we talk just to hear our own voices. You know what? I wish everybody (myself included) would just shut their goddamn mouths unless they had something worthwhile to say, or were offering constructive criticism. No more pulling down people with insults and no more building up a talentless hack with false compliments.
And no texting either. Or emails. Or Morse code. Or fucking smoke signals. Five minutes of introspection is not going to kill you.
Printers do What They Say They’re Supposed to do
Anybody who has ever had to print out an assignment at three in the morning to hand in the next day knows what I’m talking about. Same goes for anybody who has ever worked in an office.
Printers. Are. The. Fucking. Worst.
There is no piece of technology that is quite as shitty as the printer. I can’t really put it any better than the Oatmeal but I sure as hell will try.
Here’s a little anecdote:
My father once bought the family a brand new, top of the line, laser printer because he was tired of the bullshit that the old one gave us with “empty” ink cartridge messages. This printer, like all printers, worked just great outside of the box. It printed colour documents and black and white documents and it was even one of those multi-function machines that could also scan and fax (but let’s be honest, who faxes anymore?). One of my favourite features that the box said the printer came with was the direct USB print function. If I didn’t want to turn on my computer I could just print directly from my flash drive. Hooray! Convenience!
Except this function didn’t work. At all. With any USB I owned in the time we had that machine from hell. I say from hell because it was only a matter of months before the first paper jam came. Then weeks before we got another. And soon, documents weren’t printing properly, or at all. Sometimes there wasn’t even an error message, it just didn’t work. The garbage toner tray filled up on almost a weekly basis, colours ran (even though it was a LASER printer) and entire pages would be skipped. We put up with that shit for a year and probably all suffered psychological trauma because of that thing. The day after we got rid of it I vowed to watch the next one closely. If it so much as pretends it can’t print a black and white document because it’s out of cyan toner then I’m getting my baseball bat and taking it to an open field.
Honestly, why can’t they just work properly?
Or how about making their packaging honest?
Somebody Films a Good Videogame Movie
The only genre of film adaptations that is never taken seriously, never expected to be a success, and frankly, never objectively any good is the video game genre. It is more likely that Will Ferrell will one day win an Oscar for playing a loud obnoxious man-child than it is that any actor will earn a Golden Globe for playing Marcus Fenix.
But why should that be the case?
What if a good script was written as a faithful adaptation to a classic video game, this script was put in the hands of a competent director, starred competent actors and was then given a wide release?
I’ll tell you what would happen. That film would make all of the money.