It is fear. Fear has me bound tighter than any rope or cage or cuffs. Fear keeps me from moving forward with my life and with people. It keeps me from being honest and it keeps me from seeing clearly and from thinking clearly. This fear is one of the driving forces behind these words, behind all of them. These words allow me to express how I feel without saying it. These words let me hide behind metaphors and allusions and rhymes.
It is a fear of honesty and a fear of change and a fear of adventure. It is a fear of my own potential and the potential of my actions. When I think of how what I say or do could change my life or the lives of others I choose to say and do nothing because even though these changes could be amazing they are uncertain and that is terrifying. The lack of will to overcome my own mental and emotional inertia has me standing still.
Even in composing these words I feel trepidation. The people who read them will get a glimpse into my mind and soul beyond what they may see from my everyday interactions. And if they do, how will they react? I do not want this to be taken as a cry for help as it is more of a confession.
But I do not want this blog to be a confessional. I enjoy creating. I enjoy writing. I enjoy telling new stories about new characters in new places doing new things. But I need to confess that often I have trouble finding the right way to put those ideas out there, up here, because I sometimes am hiding from the ideas in my head and being hounded by the fear in my heart.