Treading and Milling and Dancing

I can’t dance. I’m just gonna be up front about that. For me, the sense that lets me move in a coordinated way to music is severely lacking. When I try to dance my body parts feel like they are someone else’s and I’m trying to position them the same way I would a marionette puppet. In other words, things are awkward, disjointed and on a whole really uncomfortable for everyone to look at.



The thing is, I’m actually not uncoordinated. I play sports decently well, my hand eye coordination is fine. I have no problem with agility drills besides needing to stop and breathe too often (I am way too out of shape for how skinny I am – but also way too in shape considering my eating habits). I’ve even dabbled in martial arts, taking a couple classes since I began university. At no point did any of these movements feel awkward or wrong.

You could say it’s a confidence issue but I still don’t feel right dancing when I am all alone. Things just don’t feel like they are doing what they should be doing. For a lack of better phrasing, they don’t feel right.

So it is probably for the best that I never try anything like this unless I wanted a broken neck:

And then there’s this new one that people are going nuts for:

And this one:

Or this:

Holy crap! Look at those people! Look at how fucking graceful they are. Anybody can get on one of those machines and y’know, use it (I want to say ‘treadmill’ but it’s hard to get across that I’m trying to verb a word in text. Incidentally I have the immortal Bill Waterson to thank for teaching me that little bit of language fun). And most people can get a good trot going on one of those things, maybe a jog, and even a good sprint if they’re feeling lucky. But a full on dance routine?

Of course, I cannot talk about treadmill dance videos without mentioning the first one I ever saw, the one that blew my fragile little mind. I am of course talking about OK GO’s official Here It Goes Again music video.

This is still insanely impressive six years later. My only possible response is this video:

That. That would be me if I ever tried this.


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