Untitled Sketch Show – Episode 1

INT. AFTERNOON. A NICE CAFE SIMILAR TO SEINFELD’S “MONK’S CAFE” OR A FAMILY FRIENDLY RESTAURANT REMINISCENT OF KELSEY’S OR TGI FRIDAYS

Frank and Carl are sitting at a table. They have finished their meals and are now enjoying the last of their drinks and a rapidly degenerating conversation.

Frank is drinking a tall beer, Carl is sipping an Iced Tea. A waitress (or waiter) is seen serving other customers.

FRANK
Y’know man, I don’t know what I’m going to do about money. My rent’s due tomorrow, I have student loans and there’s nothing in the fridge but a jar of old mayonnaise and maybe a slice of cheese.

CARL
Maybe you could get a loan?

FRANK
I tried, the teller just laughed when he saw my credit score.

CARL
Probably wasn’t a good idea to have bought that jetski.

FRANK
Hey! That was your idea and it was cheap.

CARL
It cost four thousand bucks.

FRANK
Yeah, so?

CARL
Okay, fine. What about the fur coat?

FRANK
You cannot deny that I look fabulous in that.

CARL
That’s true. You do.

There is a brief pause and then

CARL (cont’d)
But the handcrafted grand piano probably wasn’t a good idea.

FRANK
I’ll give you that one.

CARL
I mean, it barely fits in your apartment.

FRANK
Yeah.

CARL
And you had to get rid of your old table so now you eat on the piano.

FRANK
Well I-

CARL
Not to mention you play terribly.

FRANK
Alright man, lay off!

CARL
Your neighbour threatened to set you on fire last Christmas when you got drunk and wanted to sing carols, remember?

FRANK
Like you’ve never made a mistake.

Flashback:

INT. A STORE RESEMBLING THAT OF A BEST BUY OR FUTURE SHOP.

Carl stands looking at an ipod and a zune side by side. He looks at the iPod, then back at the Zune then back at the iPod. After a moment he picks up the zune, nods and walks away.

Flashback ends.

INT. AFTERNOON. THE RESTAURANT. PRESENT DAY

CARL
Nope.

There is a moment of silence. Carl drinks from his Iced Tea and looks out the window. Frank notices a couple leaving.

FRANK (Whispering)
Hey.

CARL
What?

FRANK
Shhhhhh.

CARL (Whispering)
What?

Frank points over to the table where the couple was sitting.

FRANK
I’ll be right back. Keep a lookout.

Frank sneaks over to the couple’s table and takes the tip. He then sneaks back to his and Carl’s table and takes a long drink of his beer while looking around.

CARL
What the fuck did you just do?

FRANK
They were pretty stingy. Five bucks for a meal that definitely cost at least sixty.

CARL
Once again, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST DO?!

FRANK
Could you keep it down? I only took the tip.

Carl stares at him trying to come to terms with the heinous act he just saw his friend commit.

FRANK (cont’d)
I think I might be able to get forty from that group over there.

CARL
Are you fucking insane? You just stole from the waitress.

FRANK
She’ll be fine. She probably makes like five hundred bucks a day from tips alone.

CARL
You have no idea how waitressing works do you?

FRANK
Gotta go.

He sneaks over to the now empty table and calmly scoops up about thirty dollars in cash. Nobody notices. He then returns to his and Carl’s table.

Carl is once again, dumbfounded but now with an added dash of fear at the prospect of Frank getting caught.

FRANK (cont’d)
I should have been doing this for years.

CARL
You’re a- You should seriously go to jail for this.

FRANK
Haven’t yet.

CARL
This is pretty messed up. How long have you been doing this?

FRANK
Well I started about three days ago when I was on a date. I went to the bathroom and came back to find her walking out with my wallet. So there I was, stuck with the bill when I noticed that some people who were paying with their credit cards were leaving extra money on the table. So I decided that whenever I eat out… And the rest is history.

CARL
Why didn’t you bring your wallet with you to the bathroom?

FRANK
She said she was curious about Canadian money and she wanted a closer look. Now I know this was pretty weird thing for a girl to ask but man, she was soooo hot.

There is another moment of silence. This one passes more uncomfortably.

FRANK (cont’d)
Ooh, business meeting two, o’clock.
That’s at least fifty right there.

CARL
No. I’m getting the bill and you are leaving all of that money as our tip to the waitress.

FRANK
C’mon man, I need this or else I’m out on the street.

CARL
For fuck’s sake dude, I’ll pay your rent this month.

FRANK
You’d do that? Thanks!

CARL
You’re welcome.

A pause and then…

CARL (cont’d)
I can’t believe you stole from waitresses, these girls make shit, sometimes they have to share with the rest of the staff.

FRANK
If you think that’s bad you wouldn’t believe how much I swipe from panhandlers when nobody’s looking.

Fin.

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